~BurningArtist

Well, people, for all those that might have been either alarmed or worried about my last journal entry, I'd like to start by, first off, thanking you for your concerns. It was nice and even surprising to see the responses I got.

I'm doing better now. My mom is in California, I'm continuing my classes in my short career program and my sister doesn't seem to display any signs of repeating the aweful insident she got herself into. My dad seems to have lessened his rants about his physical distresses... so things seem to be looking up.

I haven't gone to get a check up over my possible theory of bi-polarism... I'm not too sure if it's my case and I think I might be scared to find out. My therapy is drawing and I haven't beeen doing much of that lately other then my comic.

However, as part of a recent joy, I have gotten myself a laptop. (with TV plug-in ocnnection my Anime-day friends... I just need the right wires for it. lol) Technically I shouldn't have bought this now with money still being a bit tight... but I just wanted something I could use to do more digital art and improve, at least, in that aspect while I lack the time to do any traditional stuff.

With this, it means that I can both work on my school work and my art while staying in one place and not be worried about geting kicked off the computer by either my sister or my dad.

Yes, i think things might be looking better. and I hope it will show in my work. that is... if I een get any done. lol

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G) In return, you must post this in your journal.

Now for another chapter of Burning's wine-fest brought to you by yours truly!

I like to think that normally I'm a decently level-headed person regardless of the raging storm of emotions that I hide. The point of the matter is people, that I, at the very least would like to believe, put up the air or control and a general like for living.


How easy it is to put on a smile when you're trying to deceive yourself.


I'm basically really upset over how I do just about everything. Even breathing has started to hold difficulty in its simplicity and when I go to bed at night, my mind starts to run. It goes faster and faster until my greatest fear pops into my mind causing my body to tremble with nerves and shake violently. Just the thought of it frightens me to the point that I'm scared that my heart might stop.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I fear death but this psychological and ultimately ridiculous fear that I had been keeping away from all living aspects of my life has begun to attach itself like a parasite to the things I love.

My dad, who is currently 51 has been going through a (subconscious) light run of being a hypo-hypochondriac for the last year. I can understand how aging might make him feel that way and taking tests to make sure he's o.k is also not a bad thing to do... but he tends to talk to me about it a bit too much perhaps. Now scenarios have been invading my sleep of me losing him for months and causing crying fits when the idea invades too much of my mind.

Also, in March (Beginning of April) my sister ran away from home and tried to kill herself. Judging from the situation I don't think her intent was severe enough for it to be considered: "serious suicidal tendencies" by the means she tried to do herself in. She skipped school, went downtown, shut herself in a bathroom in a coffee shop and took 13 prescription pills that belonged to my father and mother. I think it all had to do with my whole family eventually moving away from where I live to another country and her fearing the change. It slowed down my parents alright but now that she went through a run in the psychiatric ward at the hospital, she seems to be normal again... even thought she seems to have seems given up on high school...

I've gotta be bi-polar... I'd rather be constantly depressed then falling and and picking myself up only to set myself back for the fall.

I'm 25, I have a crappy minimum-wage job, I don't have a driver's license, I don't have car, I live with my parents, I only have a high school diploma and a crap-load of half-finished attempts to validate myself scholastically... I'm taking a course for something that I don't want to make into a career... I don't even think I'm talented enough to make it if I could... I don't have time to draw, and I don't think anyone cares if I stop, I don't have time to write, my family will be completely gone soon, I barely see my fiends... I don't even have time to pity myself anymore...

so that's it.

I just wanted to bitch.

The only good thing I seems to have going on for me if my boyfriend... and at least for his sake, I'll keep picking myself up even if I know I'll fall again... but sometimes, I wonder... shouldn't he deserve better?

Well... here it is kids. My first bi-yearly Blog of 2008. lol

At least that what I've noticed anyways. I write 2 blogs a year it seems. Maybe this year it will be more? I've been on DA a lot more then I used to be. Well, that's not the point of this anyways. lol

I've just turned 25... or as my sister likes to put it: "3 years to 30, 1/2 to 50 & 1/4 of a century!" Holy crap what a heavy age this is! D: But that's not really my issue. Aging to me doesn't mean wrinkles & back aches... it's more of a question of where I wanted to be.

I know that this year has to be different for me. I have to get back into school and I have to start making something out of myself. I know that my parents are disappointed in me and I know that they have reason to think that. I'm passively refusing to grow up... a lot of my friends seem to be getting married all at once & moving out and in my heart I really want to also... I've wanted to for a while. At least doing that will have me escape they disappointment in my parents eyes. And if I don't have to see that, maybe I'll be able to pick myself up again.

But I guess running away isn't the answer. I just need to have some confidence in myself.
But lately I'm getting lots of lows and highs it's really distracting! >_>

Well, Here I am at the point of no return!
After my half year trip to the homeland (Err.. Los Angeles isn't normally referred to as "the homeland" but that's where I was born dammit!) I return with a broken sense of time. As Strange as it is, being in LA was fun, but it was sort of like limbo. My life is here, in Montreal with my family and my friends so I return like I've been in a deep sleep for 5 months. I come back, confused and with a strange sense of melancholy. I spent nearly 3 months without LOOKING for work. Forget not getting it... I just stopped caring about everything in general. I don't know if it really is depression.. but it's a feeling that I've always had on and off for as far back as I can remember...

And I know that work was the first thing I needed to do when I got home... but something in my heart just abandonned the idea. I hate it when my heart doesn't agree with my head. But I decided well, if Im not working, I sure as hell should try going back to school. My academic carreer is full of nothing but half finished degrees and I know that any job I get that doesn't involve a creative field will merit the harshest of judgments from yours truly.

I'll keep aspiring the dream that I don't have the vigor to reach for, which is more upsetting then anything I've ever experienced. So, I go on a long road to find out what I need to do. Finally I decide on animation. But after a lot of work... I don't have the money I need to start this semester. Now, imagine if I DID work instead of spending the last few months wallowing in my my own diluded lack of responsibilty? I could have been able to at the very least establish myself!

Well... I push it to this February... I just hope I can pull it off in time.
I've never felt something like this... a feeling so deep that it burns past me to the other side of me. I have to learn to pick myself up when I fall. I mean, if I'm so used to this, isn't there a way to get used to the lows? I have my friends to help me... but everyone is so busy with their own lives that I feel like a burden to them. They're all moving forward while I'm stuck in static space.

Is there any way to more forward when you're surroudned by your own fear?

What fear? I'm not all to sure.. but I'm scared of everything it seems. I'm maybe scrared of growing up?

I'm starting to notice... and in minute doses, that my lines seem to have a... oh, here goes: A s-t-y-l-e? Is that right? Am I actually starting to have a style? I'm not too sure cause I've never considered my animesque drawings to be any other then a generic anime style. I mean, how you do you really define that you have a style?

I've noticed changes here and there in a slow but steady fashion...
Has anyone noticed it too?